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Sunday, September 19, 2010

A New Day

Well the play was AMAZING FANTASTIC and WONDERFUL. Seriously, if it comes to a place near you, GO!!!!!! So, life should be great right now right?  I truly wish it worked that way. I do, but when youre dealing with depression it just doesn't. I feel like not only does no one understand what it feels like or how hard it is but like no one is even Trying to understand. I guess part of me knows that's not true in the strictest sense, that it's more like they (my family I mean mostly) are just tired of trying and have just given up.They don't know what to do any more than I do. I'm on meds, that only work for a while, then I build a tolerance and they quit working so we  (doc and I) raise my dosage but eventually any more would be toxic. So then the search for a new  med or combo of meds  that will work starts all over again and that process can take from a month to a year, with my emotions in an absolute uproar till the magic bullet is once again discovered. Meanwhile, because of all the other meds I have to take for my pain etc. I am so tired all the time most days I don't have the energy to get out of bed. and right now I just feel like my whole life is a waste of time , I am useless to anyone, including myself, I don't say that to look for sympathy, which is I'm sure what most people will think, I say that because as objectively as I can look at my own life it is true. I go nowhere, do nothing have no goals, since I couldn't possibly meet them anyway, see no friends, create nothing, I lay on the bed and watch TV, yipee!!!!!! I'm so sick of my own company I could scream, and I am the only one that even cares. The doctors won't do anything to help, they say they can't, I know my family can do nothing to help, I can't help feeling how I do and I really have to wonder if it's  worth it anymore. For any of us. If it wouldn't be kinder to just get it over with so they could just grieve then get on with their lives, without having to worry about taking care of me or having to take me into consideration. I must say it really sucks to realize about yourself, that you are entirely in the minus column of your family and friends lives. Now I know you are probably thinking I'm just being overly dramatic, but I'm really not it is really the way I think, the way I feel...how much of it is the depression, that I don't know, but the feelings are very real for me, real and inescapable. OK so now that I've depressed you too LOL  I shall bid you a fond adieu til next we meet. Take care and be good to each other

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